Anxiety and depression is ruining my life, and I think if it wasn't for the support I receive and my counsellor id probably be dead.
I had one of the worst anxiety attacks ever today. I had to do a practical assessment for my Law degree, and because of a cross reference by the judge on my case I became frozen and unable to speak. I was failed on the spot and asked to sit down. I then had a panic attack after leaving the room. I had to see a support worker just to calm me down, and I was unable to drive back home from Derby out of fear that I'd end up crashing my car or purposely injuring myself. It wasn't until an hour after that my breathing was back to normal, but I then found myself completely terrified and uncomfortable just by being in the university. I even said that I wanted to leave and never come back, feeling like it was impossible to recover from this negative experience.
Thankfully, I have a support plan that grants me a support worker and a counsellor, and thanks to them I was able to go to someone when I was distraught and unstable. I've never failed an exam or assessment in my life, so this was a huge blow to me. However, the support worker told me that with such a difficult subject my social anxiety only makes it worse... I shouldn't blame myself for anything that happened though; I did my best and tried and that's all I could ask of myself. This helped me feel better, and hopefully I'll be fine for my EU exam, which is on Thursday.
I am determined to succeed in the final parts of this academic year, and not try and let today, which was perhaps one of the worst episodes I've ever had, stop me from achieving my aims and get my degree. Mental health support is so important to someone who suffers as I do, and I think the budget cuts in this area are a huge mistake and could potentially put so many people at risk. It is hard enough when you suffer with anxiety and depression to be understood as it is, because the illness is invisible, but if I didn't have the support I'm offered by the healthcare authority then I have no idea what would have happened to me by now.
Anyone who suffers like I do, just remember that anxiety and depression can have a serious impact on your life, but don't give up! You'll have your awful days and good days, but the important thing which I've learnt to recognise is that they are usually merely temporary illnesses and at some point in your life you will recover and/or learn to overcome them. I hold on to this because I know that once I am better my life will improve and I can enjoy life to the full. The present is hard right now, but the future is still bright.
Tuesday 29 April 2014
Wednesday 23 April 2014
Update
Haven't updated my blog in a while, truth is I've been really busy and I'm struggling. The last few weeks have been really difficult.
To start with I had a party, which was okay, but the weekend after was awful. I was verbally abused in my own house, my house was disrespected, and I was told to kill myself by someone I thought was my friend. Another 'friend' also went on to accuse me of things such as making up my illness and being a thief. Where these came from I have no idea, but they've had a lasting detriment on my mental health. In the past few weeks I've had times where I've harmed myself, been unable to sleep and have cried on multiple occasions. There have been times where I haven't wanted to carry on going, feeling like it's not worth it.
The last two weeks, and the next week to unfollow is going to be a huge strain on me. I have exams coming up, and practical assignments, yet my anxiety and depression feels worse than it's been in a long time. I feel physically and emotionally drained at times, and I feel alone. It's really difficult to try and stay positive and get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I believe in myself to get through this, but the time I have left before this happens feels like it's going to be impossible. I've always been a strong person though, and I'm determined to struggle through this time, so that I can enjoy the relaxation and detox that the summer and my study vacation will bring.
Right now I'm sitting here feeling really down, feeling like I need to write to my blog again, as it might help ease my mind somewhat writing about how I'm feeling. I'm making progress with my assignments and revision, but I'm feeling constantly anxious and I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up somewhere and fuck up my life even more. I feel alone, like I have hardly anybody to talk to right now. It feels like I mean nothing in most peoples lives. I've tried to always be there for people and bring happiness to others, but right now I just don't feel capable of that because I can't even make myself feel happy... I always look to it and think of how things can only get better, which is what keeps me going I guess. It doesn't make the present very easy though.
I want to see people, but I can barely pull myself away from my work, otherwise I feel like I'm going to mess things up, it makes me feel more and more isolated each day, like if I disappeared that nobody outside of these four walls would even notice. I'm seeing one of my closest friends tomorrow, to have a movie day and hopefully to try and cheer each other up. I need to take this break, because I know that if I don't my mental wellbeing will diminish even more.
I've taken other steps to try and be positive and make myself feel better with myself, I've stopped drinking completely for the past two weeks and I don't intend to drink again or get drunk any time soon. Perhaps in the summer months I will occasionally. I've also begun meditation and started to follow Buddhist teachings, although it will take time to abstain from things that cause suffering, the Buddha's teachings are a great way of understanding your own being more and helps with understanding and finding the causes of suffering.
Perhaps, when these exams are finished, I'll feel a lot better. I'm optimistic for this, despite how I currently feel. I'm going to make another appointment for a mental health review, because I really feel like I could do with extra support right now.
To start with I had a party, which was okay, but the weekend after was awful. I was verbally abused in my own house, my house was disrespected, and I was told to kill myself by someone I thought was my friend. Another 'friend' also went on to accuse me of things such as making up my illness and being a thief. Where these came from I have no idea, but they've had a lasting detriment on my mental health. In the past few weeks I've had times where I've harmed myself, been unable to sleep and have cried on multiple occasions. There have been times where I haven't wanted to carry on going, feeling like it's not worth it.
The last two weeks, and the next week to unfollow is going to be a huge strain on me. I have exams coming up, and practical assignments, yet my anxiety and depression feels worse than it's been in a long time. I feel physically and emotionally drained at times, and I feel alone. It's really difficult to try and stay positive and get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I believe in myself to get through this, but the time I have left before this happens feels like it's going to be impossible. I've always been a strong person though, and I'm determined to struggle through this time, so that I can enjoy the relaxation and detox that the summer and my study vacation will bring.
Right now I'm sitting here feeling really down, feeling like I need to write to my blog again, as it might help ease my mind somewhat writing about how I'm feeling. I'm making progress with my assignments and revision, but I'm feeling constantly anxious and I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up somewhere and fuck up my life even more. I feel alone, like I have hardly anybody to talk to right now. It feels like I mean nothing in most peoples lives. I've tried to always be there for people and bring happiness to others, but right now I just don't feel capable of that because I can't even make myself feel happy... I always look to it and think of how things can only get better, which is what keeps me going I guess. It doesn't make the present very easy though.
I want to see people, but I can barely pull myself away from my work, otherwise I feel like I'm going to mess things up, it makes me feel more and more isolated each day, like if I disappeared that nobody outside of these four walls would even notice. I'm seeing one of my closest friends tomorrow, to have a movie day and hopefully to try and cheer each other up. I need to take this break, because I know that if I don't my mental wellbeing will diminish even more.
I've taken other steps to try and be positive and make myself feel better with myself, I've stopped drinking completely for the past two weeks and I don't intend to drink again or get drunk any time soon. Perhaps in the summer months I will occasionally. I've also begun meditation and started to follow Buddhist teachings, although it will take time to abstain from things that cause suffering, the Buddha's teachings are a great way of understanding your own being more and helps with understanding and finding the causes of suffering.
Perhaps, when these exams are finished, I'll feel a lot better. I'm optimistic for this, despite how I currently feel. I'm going to make another appointment for a mental health review, because I really feel like I could do with extra support right now.
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