15 Things I'm Grateful For

Mama Mawer tagged me in a post where she posted about what she was grateful for, although I have been rather busy I now find myself with enough spare time to at least attempt to return to my blog and make time for it once again, so I'll bring back my blog with this post.

Here is a list of 15 things that I am grateful for:-

1. Apple

I am grateful for Apple and Steve Jobs' genius, both as a consumer and someone who is interested in technology. Apple has not always historically been known as one of the most successful and valuable technology companies in the world, but from my interest in technology I know full well how they have influenced the world of technology and changed how every single one of us live. Apple invented the mouse and the graphical user interface, giving easy to use computing to the general market. I began with an older iMac which was a joy to use, and in 2014 I now own a retina display MacBook Pro and a 5K iMac, which I would never have even believed to be possible 10 years ago, and they make it an absolute pleasure to be typing this right now. Not just that there is also the iPhone, which introduced the first multitouch display to the world and I have been proud to have owned every generation since the iPhone 2G debuted and created the smartphone market in 2007, I am now using an iPhone 6 which is an absolute pleasure to use for a multitude of tasks. Along with that is also my iPad, which I have also owned since joining university, and thanks to how productive and well refined they are I now use an iPad Air 2 which seriously makes amazing things possible, such as watching Netflix in the back of the car or working on an assignment in a cafe.

My trusty 2009 iMac, iPad Air 2 and iPhone 6 - all make my life 100x easier!

2. Family

I am grateful to have a supporting family, and although we may not always get along and we have our fair share of arguments, I do not know what I would do without them. We have all been suffering the last few years, and I think if it wasn't for our support for each other we would not still be here. My father suffered heart failure in 2012 after years of misdiagnosis, and even now in 2014 it still seems like the NHS is failing him, such as him being the wrong medication the other day which would have killed him if he had taken it. With my support as a law student, and my mother as a social services worker, we have managed to stay strong together and tackle this head-on instead of being left to feel vulnerable and alone. We often do things together as a family, which I am grateful for, as not all of my friends seem to have such a close relationship with their relatives. Family meals, watching TV in the evening together, etc. are all things that I am grateful I am able to do, especially as two years ago we were told that we should expect for my father to no longer be with us.

Christmas 2012 - thankful that my father was able to spend it with us.

3. River & Consequences of Owning a Dog

I am grateful for my dog who, although has a lot of issues due to his background, makes my life so much better and is always there for me when I feel alone and upset. When I went to see him at the Border Collie Trust I instantly fell in love with him; he was such a timid and sad looking dog, probably due to suffering abuse as a stray from Ireland. Despite all this I saw how he took a liking to me when I took him for the initial walk around the centre, and now six months on he is now a healthy weight and wags his tail at the first sight of one of us entering the room. He is becoming a competent and lovely dog as a result of the work of the Trust's volunteer coordinator, Tina Holmes, who lives locally. 

As a result of River both me and my mother have become volunteers for the Trust and often attend agility shows and fundraising events as members of staff who assist with generating funds for the charity. This has been a lovely opportunity and has made me feel a better sense of importance about the work they do, and has also helped me to feel better about myself.

4. Intelligence

I am grateful for my intelligence, which I seem to have been passionate about since being failed and messed around by my school. I have always considered myself as an intelligent person, and when it came to those who were supposed to help you flourish with your abilities I found that this was not the case, therefore taking the initiative to do something about it. Years on I am now in my final year of an LLB - Law Degree, on good track to gaining a 2:1 overall. 

This links to my family; of whom my mother was a well respected senior manager across the entire of Derbyshire for the learning disabilities division of Derbyshire County Council, and my father, whom was a head of department throughout his career for both mathematics and information and community technology at Merrill Academy, Derby. My parents have always pushed me since a young age to try and reach my potential and become the best I can possibly be at what I do, and I really would like to think that I am achieving this.

5. My Perseverance

As with my intelligence, where I have persevered to get to the position I have today, I am also proud of my perseverance in general. I have suffered multiple mental illnesses throughout my life, but to this day I feel strong and in a much better position than I have previously. I have had thoughts of ending my life in the past, attempted suicide, self-harmed, and have been diagnosed with moderate social anxiety which has impacted every single thing I do and has made my life extremely difficult. I made the decision to begin phasing myself off medication about two months ago, and I am now in a position where I feel very positive and happy with the future and with myself at this current stage. 

I almost lost my father in 2012, had a car accident just a month after, had my mother go into hospital, lost my cat of 13 years less than a year later, all whilst being on medication for moderate to severe depression, but despite all of this I took every day as it came and got to the point where I started the slow process to a recovery. I had very little support from the NHS, who didn't seem interested apart from prescribing me a continual prescription of tablets, and also despite having support from parents, they did not have a complete understanding of how my depression and anxiety effected me.

I also persevered with my current course, I was originally not accepted onto the LPC due to a lack of UCAS points. Once I was accepted to the university on a different course I approached the School of Law & Criminology to ask for a chance to prove myself; I was given a task of completing an induction file that everyone else had two weeks to do in just 4 days! I succeeded and this secured my space of the LLB and has allowed me to continue to focus and be determined to succeed through the subsequent years in university.

A quote from one of my inspiration figures - Steve Jobs, CEO & Founder of Apple

6. Being Able to Drive & My Car

I am grateful for being able to drive and for being fortunate enough with having a car. I passed my driving test 6 months after my 17th birthday in 2011 and have been driving ever since, and it has made my life infinitely more easier from things as seeing friends, to commuting to university, and due to the fact I barely drink, as a taxi for my parents! I got my first car in 2011, a 2009 Ford Fiesta, then upgraded to a 2013 Fiesta in March 2013, and just a week ago upgraded to my first SUV, which is wonderful for feeling safe on the road due to the higher driving position, and also gives my dog a perfect car for having plenty of space to be comfortable in when going to the vet and going for a walk around the countryside. 

I know that not everyone, even if they are fortunate to afford driving lessons, can afford to even own a car with all the included additional funds need for tax, fuel, insurance, etc. so I am extremely grateful that I am able to.

On terms of my volunteering too, I'm also able to assist immensely with the fundraising due to the sheer size of the boot of my car, which allows more than 15 banana boxes of merchandise to fit when the backseats are folded up flat.

My new 2014 Ford EcoSport SUV, a wonderful 'little' car!

7. My Friends

I am grateful to have some wonderful friends, from teenagers up to people in their 40's. My friends are so supportive and make my life have meaning, there is nothing I look forward to more than seeing my friends! Although I often find myself busy with university, personal issues, and just generally attempting to relax without leaving the house, I cherish every moment I get to spend with those closest to me. My parents also know some lovely people, who I manage to get along with.

This blog post was nominated to me by one of the most loveliest bunch of people I have met - the Mawers. I met Tasha in 2011 and over the years we have become best friends, and through her I have met some lovely people - especially her family who are all such wonderful and lovely people. It is not uncommon in this world to see a lot of selfish and arrogant people, but when I met Tasha and got to know her family I instantly felt as though I had met people who make the world a better place. Knowing that I have friends like these make me so grateful and has made me feel a lot more positive about life as a whole.

Tasha, Kim, Alex, Kate, and Hannah - some of my lovely friends

8. Financial Position

I am extremely grateful to have been born into a rather well off upper-middle class family, which has an impact on a lot of the materialistic things I have listed in this blog post as having a significant benefit to my life. We are lucky enough to have access to a wide range of items due to the area in which we live and due to work my parents have done throughout their lifetime. Although we are not the richest family in the world, we do often spare as much money as possible to good causes, which I am extremely proud - from donating to help charities such as RSPCA, British Heart Foundation and Cancer Research UK, to things such a buying a coffee for my friends or being able to give the items I replace to my friends at a fraction of the cost it would cost to buy from a retailer.

9. My Body

I am grateful to be physically fit and an overall healthy individual. I enjoy being active on a daily basis and working on getting in a fair amount of exercise on a daily basis, and this somewhat shows. I've started a balanced diet since the beginning of October 2014 to try and make sure I keep a healthy balance between fat intake, carbohydrates, and protein. As a result I feel very healthy and I am proud of my body. A few years ago I was underweight and felt really fragile, however now with the combination of exercise, weight training, and also eating a healthy amount of food daily, I feel very confident as a result and no longer feel like I am vulnerable and unable to do certain things due to being too weak. 

Working out and eating right has made me proud of the body I have today.

10. My House

I am grateful to live in a comfortable environment and have a moderately large house to call home. My room is my sanctuary of the house, and having refurbished it in 2012, I feel as though I have a safe an comfortable area that is just for me. My parents have spent many years improving the property and as a result we now have a very nice garden, comfortable living room, modern bathroom, and I have my own luxury feeling room that houses my computer, my smart TV and of course my wonderfully comfortable bed! 

My wonderful room - designed by me, and completed by my father in 2013.

11. The Internet

I am grateful for the Internet, and all of the capabilities it has created; connecting to new friends, keeping in contact with the ones that live locally or have moved away, finding new recipes for cooking, researching for assignments, making purchases from the comfort of my own home, and much, much more. Since I also own an iPhone and iPad I'm also able to take advantage of this wonderful technology literally anywhere I am; from the coffee shop, walking in the countryside, or even in the car (not whilst driving of course, strictly legally!).

12. Food

I am grateful to be living in a country which has a wide choice of cuisine available: Indian, Italian, Mexican, Chinese, American, all of these are readily available by either going to the local supermarket or by visiting restaurants such as Frankie & Benny's, Wing Wah Chinese Buffet or the 50s American Diner.

I absolutely love food, although I focus on eating healthily a lot of the time, I enjoy being able to indulge with foods available such as authentic Italian pizzas and big American dishes served with a bucket load of proper American-style fried chips!

Good ol' Vanilla Float with a Chicken, Bacon and Cheese burger and curly fries - American 50s Style.

13. Nature

I am grateful for the world in which we live and specifically the nature we are surrounded by - from the trees we walk by and see swaying delicately in the breeze, to the many different species of animals that add life to the world. 

I love walking and every Friday I walk for an hour and half around Markeaton Park in Derby, this not only helps me to feel healthy physically by getting fresh air into my lungs and building on my lower body muscles, but also helps me mentally by making me feel at ease and relaxed by the green grass, the ducks, the trees and the flow of the water of the lake.

Derby is my comfort place, and it is my every intention to move to the city sometime within the not too distant future, and with Derbyshire offering a lot in terms of nature, as well as the Peak & Lake Districts being a relatively small drive away, I feel as though I live in a beautiful world where even the most natural locations can still be found in built up areas.

A mandarin drake - a rare sight of a beautiful duck spotted in Markeaton Park.

14. My Apperance

I'm grateful to be happy with my looks and with my appearance. I am happy with my body shape, my face and bone structure, and with myself as I am now. I have enhanced (in my opinion) my appearance as well with the addition of tattoos and piercing, I have had a half sleeve since last summer and I plan on having the other one done for my 21st birthday. I have had my nipples pierced for over a year now and they are my little babies, I love them! My snakebites have been a part of me since 2012 and I love them, they are like a part of me and although subtle I think they compliment my face nicely.

One of my most recent pictures, my purple fringe is as much a part of me as my snakebites!

15. Respect

Further to my previous point, regarding my friends and my university course, I am now in a position where I feel as though I am well respected. A few years ago I was surrounded by false friends and was in a school where only a handful of teachers put the effort in for me to achieve my best, where others simply had no time for me and didn't want to bother to push me to achieve my potential. 

This is completely different now, when I go and see my friends or make an appointment with a lecturer at university I feel as though I am well respected for all of my accomplishments, and I feel as though my lovely personality has made many people like me and look up to me. This is all I have ever really wanted, and as a result my confidence has increased twofold to what it once was.

Return

So I've kind of neglected my blog for quite a while now. I don't think I've posted in about 4-5 months. I'm not too sure why. I think I just got distracted and exams and summer have kept me busy. 

A lot has happened since I last blogged, I won't put this all into one post, mainly spread it about between different posts. 

I just got my new iPhone 6 today and the larger screen size and the sheer speed of it and the Internet should mean I'll enjoy blogging from it, unlike the iPhone 4s I've been using the last few weeks that is impractical due to its small screen size. 

So yes, I'll be returning to my blog shortly and hopefully have some interesting posts to make. 

Anxiety Attacks

Anxiety and depression is ruining my life, and I think if it wasn't for the support I receive and my counsellor id probably be dead. 

I had one of the worst anxiety attacks ever today. I had to do a practical assessment for my Law degree, and because of a cross reference by the judge on my case I became frozen and unable to speak. I was failed on the spot and asked to sit down. I then had a panic attack after leaving the room. I had to see a support worker just to calm me down, and I was unable to drive back home from Derby out of fear that I'd end up crashing my car or purposely injuring myself. It wasn't until an hour after that my breathing was back to normal, but I then found myself completely terrified and uncomfortable just by being in the university. I even said that I wanted to leave and never come back, feeling like it was impossible to recover from this negative experience. 

Thankfully, I have a support plan that grants me a support worker and a counsellor, and thanks to them I was able to go to someone when I was distraught and unstable. I've never failed an exam or assessment in my life, so this was a huge blow to me. However, the support worker told me that with such a difficult subject my social anxiety only makes it worse... I shouldn't blame myself for anything that happened though; I did my best and tried and that's all I could ask of myself. This helped me feel better, and hopefully I'll be fine for my EU exam, which is on Thursday. 

I am determined to succeed in the final parts of this academic year, and not try and let today, which was perhaps one of the worst episodes I've ever had, stop me from achieving my aims and get my degree. Mental health support is so important to someone who suffers as I do, and I think the budget cuts in this area are a huge mistake and could potentially put so many people at risk. It is hard enough when you suffer with anxiety and depression to be understood as it is, because the illness is invisible, but if I didn't have the support I'm offered by the healthcare authority then I have no idea what would have happened to me by now. 

Anyone who suffers like I do, just remember that anxiety and depression can have a serious impact on your life, but don't give up! You'll have your awful days and good days, but the important thing which I've learnt to recognise is that they are usually merely temporary illnesses and at some point in your life you will recover and/or learn to overcome them. I hold on to this because I know that once I am better my life will improve and I can enjoy life to the full. The present is hard right now, but the future is still bright.

Update

Haven't updated my blog in a while, truth is I've been really busy and I'm struggling. The last few weeks have been really difficult.

To start with I had a party, which was okay, but the weekend after was awful. I was verbally abused in my own house, my house was disrespected, and I was told to kill myself by someone I thought was my friend. Another 'friend' also went on to accuse me of things such as making up my illness and being a thief. Where these came from I have no idea, but they've had a lasting detriment on my mental health. In the past few weeks I've had times where I've harmed myself, been unable to sleep and have cried on multiple occasions. There have been times where I haven't wanted to carry on going, feeling like it's not worth it. 

The last two weeks, and the next week to unfollow is going to be a huge strain on me. I have exams coming up, and practical assignments, yet my anxiety and depression feels worse than it's been in a long time. I feel physically and emotionally drained at times, and I feel alone. It's really difficult to try and stay positive and get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I believe in myself to get through this, but the time I have left before this happens feels like it's going to be impossible. I've always been a strong person though, and I'm determined to struggle through this time, so that I can enjoy the relaxation and detox that the summer and my study vacation will bring.

Right now I'm sitting here feeling really down, feeling like I need to write to my blog again, as it might help ease my mind somewhat writing about how I'm feeling. I'm making progress with my assignments and revision, but I'm feeling constantly anxious and I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up somewhere and fuck up my life even more. I feel alone, like I have hardly anybody to talk to right now. It feels like I mean nothing in most peoples lives. I've tried to always be there for people and bring happiness to others, but right now I just don't feel capable of that because I can't even make myself feel happy... I always look to it and think of how things can only get better, which is what keeps me going I guess. It doesn't make the present very easy though.

I want to see people, but I can barely pull myself away from my work, otherwise I feel like I'm going to mess things up, it makes me feel more and more isolated each day, like if I disappeared that nobody outside of these four walls would even notice. I'm seeing one of my closest friends tomorrow, to have a movie day and hopefully to try and cheer each other up. I need to take this break, because I know that if I don't my mental wellbeing will diminish even more.

I've taken other steps to try and be positive and make myself feel better with myself, I've stopped drinking completely for the past two weeks and I don't intend to drink again or get drunk any time soon. Perhaps in the summer months I will occasionally. I've also begun meditation and started to follow Buddhist teachings, although it will take time to abstain from things that cause suffering, the Buddha's teachings are a great way of understanding your own being more and helps with understanding and finding the causes of suffering.

Perhaps, when these exams are finished, I'll feel a lot better. I'm optimistic for this, despite how I currently feel. I'm going to make another appointment for a mental health review, because I really feel like I could do with extra support right now.

Invisible Illnesses

I had a mental health review today, and something that is extremely important to me and plays a huge part in my life is that of invisible illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks, but the thing with these are you cannot tell I suffer from them unless you specifically know me well. This is the main problem with such illnesses as depression, anxiety, M.E., post-traumatic stress disorder, etc.

Take for example the above two photos. The photo on the left was me last year, before I was suffering from depression and all the problems I experience now. The photo of me on the right is from this week, after being diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago. Simply looking at these photos, or any photos of me, will not really show you anything: you wouldn't notice a difference here, apart from my hair (of course), but the fact of the matter is that although I look happy/well in both of these pictures life was a lot easier when the one on the left was taken. 

This therefore poses the difficulty, and perhaps the ignorance, which I have noticed over time. In a perfect world I wouldn't have to deal with my anxiety and depression, but unfortunately this is not a perfect world and I am suffering, but I do not deserve to further go through a bigger ordeal such as people making it worst. Sadly, quite a few of my closest friends suffer from depression, which helps me to not feel so alone at times, and being able to help them really does boost my mood. Life is unfair, everyone who I know who suffers as I do are literally the loveliest people you would ever meet, who would never wish harm on anybody, and are always loving in personality, and yet those who seem to be horrible and judgemental seem not to go through such things.

I guess that comes to another feeling I personally get (and I'm sure others may sometimes feel this too) which is that I feel weak and hopeless because of suffering like I do. I feel as though I'm alone and isolated, and long to just be happy without a care in the world. It angers me more than anything though when people refer to things such as depression or anxiety or M.E. as not real, and having comments by some being "just get over it!" or "you're just looking for attention." I confide in my blog for this, since I would never really post about this on social networking sites as they seem to be full of narrow minded and dismissive people who seem anything but supportive. This shows the ignorance of some in society today, why would people fake such things? Invisible illnesses all seem to have one thing in common; that they affect the sufferers daily life in a significant way, so why would anybody want to fake this feeling? 

I personally feel like I'm in a really bad place right now: I can't deal with much social interaction without feeling constantly uncomfortable; I'm susceptible to unpredictable panic attacks which can happen anywhere, and as a result make me feel very anxious and scared of attempting anything; I can barely even speak to people I hardly know to even ask for little things like a pen or the time! 

The worst thing about all these things is that I can look back to say a year ago where I was so confident and could manage to do so much, which now the very thought of doing certain things fills me with feelings of dread and fear. It's knowing that, I was once able to do these things with no trouble and yet, now I can't do them. All this does is make me feel even more depressed, and it feels like a never ending downward spiral that I can't seem to get out of right now.

I've been liaising with my universities student wellbeing service and I have received loads of very helpful information. The most important thing I need to remember is that I am not alone, and anybody who suffers from an invisible illness should always remember one thing: You Are Not Alone! There are many of us who suffer, but as the name suggests, it's not always so obvious, because the symptoms are mainly noticed by the sufferer and not observed by everyone else. This doesn't mean we are weak though, if anything we are strong. It is important to look at the positives, and whilst I may be at my worst right now, I know that in time I will start to feel better and that as a result of this I will come out a stronger person. Life can be incredibly hard and at times the feeling of giving up can sound tempting, but you must always remember that it is worth fighting for and that you can beat whatever it is that you're going through!

Health, Friends & Beyoncé

I've had quite a stressful last seven days, had both very high ups and very bad downs.

Last Wednesday I made an appointment to see my GP over concerns I've been having personally. I've felt so down the last few weeks, and on most days I've had little to no motivation to do anything that used to be important to me. I've found myself feeling alone and disconnected from everything, and it's been really getting to me. I was seen by my university about two weeks ago over these concerns, and should hopefully have a support plan sorted out to relieve some of the pressure and stress I've been feeling, this is when I decided to see a doctor. Unfortunately, as I feared, my doctor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and I have had to go back on to medication I haven't taken since last year. I feel crushed to know that I was making such great progress not too long ago and yet again I'm at this point where I feel helpless. It makes you so scared, how things can look up and you feel so happy, and then suddenly you feel like you've been hit for no apparent reason with such a negative view... 

It's not all bad though, a small handful of friends have been there for me since then, when others aren't so considerate or caring. My best friend, Tasha, in particular has been wonderful! When we speak it genuinely feels that she complete understands how I am feeling right now, and she is so caring and shows generosity in a way that is unfortunately rarely seen in most people. I'm so proud to call her my best friend, and knowing that she is there for me and genuinely cares never fails to put a smile on my face. I love her to absolute bits!

Hannah, another one of my close friends, has also been wonderful. I've felt alone recently and she has constantly made plans with me in attempts to cheer me up and stop me from feeling so negative. Today, after feeling miserable and not up to going into University she invited me to spend the afternoon with her, where we watched movies and had a good talk. It's small things like this and knowing that I actually mean something to some people that gives me the strength to carry on and sit back and realise the world that we live in isn't always as bad as it seems. 

The thing I have learnt from this is, although we may associate ourselves with many people in our lives, there will only be a handful of genuine people who truly care enough for you to realise that you're going through your worst and do their absolute best to try and make things better for you when you need it the most.

Despite my anxiety I went to see one of my idols on Monday at the LG Arena in Birmingham. Although crowds and huge social events where I do not know anybody make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and susceptible to panic, I made the journey to Birmingham alone and joined the standing crowd for Beyoncé's Mrs Carter Show World Tour. Despite all of this, I had such an amazing night and it was without a doubt one of the best nights of my life. 

Beyoncé is one of my biggest idols, I love and respect her so much. She is flawless and also seems to have more respect than most celebrities. Her international fame and following is well deserved!

Being in the same room as her just overwhelmed me with joy, and I am honestly beyond happy that I was fortunate enough to be able to see her live. The show she put on was amazing, she used visual videos before some of her performances to give a story and definitely involved the audience. She was also so lovely, telling us all how much she appreciates and loved us as fans, and touching peoples hands who were fortunate enough to be right up close to the stage. It was also someone's birthday, which when Beyoncé became aware she sang Happy Birthday whilst holding his hand, followed by kissing him on the hand before moving on to her next song! It is lovely to see that she makes the extra effort with fans when others would simply get on with a show and then just wrap it up. It genuinely felt like she loved doing what she was doing and loved involving the audience. My respect and love for her is higher than ever, and I am already missing the experience of seeing her live. I really hope that she will have another show sometime in the not too distant future, where I will definitely go and see her again and hopefully take someone with me.

Tattoos

So a while ago I said I would post about my tattoos, so here it is:-

The roses are specifically red for symbolistic reasons, they are often affiliated with love and beauty, and this is why I had these are part of my sleeve.

The compass and the pocket-watch go together, the former represents the entity of space and navigation in a physical form, whereas the latter represents time. Personally, the compass has importance to me as it is a reminder that no matter what happens we can always find our way, not just when we are physically lost, but also when we are emotionally 'lost'. The pocket-watch has a similar meaning, I am a great believer that time is a great healer for any misfortune, etc. we may go through in life, and is a reminder that time can heal all wounds, yet again whether physical or emotional.

The snake and the skull are simply there because I like them as a space filler, snakes create great effects when used in such a large tattoo, and coupling it with something such as a skull is common. Snakes commonly represent good and evil, going back to biblical stories of Adam & Eve, but I assure you there is no evil in me, maybe... (Joking, I'm not at all evil!)

The Eye of Providence has a certain meaning behind it, it is commonly associated with the illuminati nowadays, however it has a deeper meaning. The religious meaning is that god can see all that someone does. The iris is blue however, matching my own eyes. The eye sees all and knows all, this is not intended in a big headed way, but it represents that those who do wrong to me should be aware that I can see right through them, and that I usually find out about things, even if I can't physically see them.

The dreamcatcher is one of the newer parts of my tattoo, probably the most painful too! The dreamcatcher has origins from Native American culture, it is said that they allow the good dreams to pass through, and the bad dreams (nightmares) become trapped in the netting, and would disappear as the sun comes up. I have a dreamcatcher in my bedroom window, and having one on my arm it symbolises that no matter where I am, whether i'm staying at friends or camping, I will be protected from the bad dreams.

The owl is another newer tattoo, and is located above the dreamcatcher within my bicep. The owl is another symbolic tattoo that comes from Greek culture, specifically being sacred to the goddess of learning; Athena. The owl symbolises intelligence and wisdom, and this is why I had this done; I have spent most of my life learning, studying, and bettering my understanding of both academics and personal things. I have become wise due to my own personal experiences and as a result feel that I can help out others because of this, specifically those younger than me who may need guidance. I also like to think that I am rather intelligent, having studied hard most of my life and successfully being accepted to law school in 2012. Before, and since then, I have always dedicated myself to expanding my knowledge and making the most of everything available to me.

This is my newest tattoo, and was only done about two weeks ago. The initial plan was to have a bird of paradise tattooed in this gap, however there was insufficient space. The bird of paradise would have symbolised freedom, reminding me that although we all have expectations in life and regulations to comply with, we are all free and have the right to enjoy life. Instead I came up with a design of a swallow, which is said to represent love and affection towards family and friends. I strongly believe that it is my family and friends that make my life worth living, and I would do anything for either of them. I could never thank some of my friends enough for what they have done for me and for how completely amazon they are, especially my best friend Tasha who has been there for me so much, and unlike others, always has time for me. Nor could I ever completely show my appreciation for all the support my parents have shown me over the years, and for the wonderful upbringing I have had. 

So, as promised: these are all my tattoos (so far) and the meanings behind them, I hope this gives for an interesting read.

TLC Time

Unlike my usual weekends I decided to spend this weekend at home. In part due to the terrible weather, horrible winds and my lack of money. In someways I've had a rather normal dull boring weekend, but in some strange ways I haven't.

My cosy room; where I have spent most my weekend!

I wrote to my University last week lodging a complaint over my commuting to university, in particular the fact that I usually arrive at Markeaton Park & Ride well before lectures start, but because the buses do not bother to turn up half the time I find myself late to lectures, and because of university policies I have sometimes had to simply leave and go home, wasting not only my fuel but also my time. This has since been rectified however, having finally been granted a parking permit at the main campus, which is a mere 2 minute walk once arriving by car, opposed to 20 minutes through muddy and windy conditions when parking at Markeaton Park.  Unfortunately I've discovered certain issues from this however that I was hoping wouldn't return.

I have found myself often uncomfortable and anxious with being at university recently, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to relax when there are masses of people around me, most of which I don't know on a personal level. I've have also find myself panicking a lot when something goes wrong, such as when the buses didn't turn up or having forgotten materials such as module handbooks, etc. It has been so bad on occasions that my breathing has got to the point of being heavy and I have had to sit down and rest for a while before feeling like I can continue doing what I was doing. I'm rather worried over this, and I'm going to make an appointment with a GP for peace of mind. I just find it so difficult to talk about this in person with anybody other than my closest friends, which always make it a difficult and frightening thing to do, but the fact I'm now willing to talk and get advice must surely be positive.

Drinking the vile drink!

I was also nominated to do the neck nomination challenge, which is stupid but I did it for the fun of it. Mine was simple and not harmful with just involving one alcoholic drink and a few other ingredients, NO DAIRY and NOTHING NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. I have seen multiple videos like this, and it baffles me how stupid people seem to be, examples have included people drinking battery acid, bleach, urine, and other things that aren't fit for human consumption... If anyone is ever nominated for this and decided they are going to go through with it I would seriously urge you to consider what you include in your mix; mixing many different spirits, household cleaning products, and items such as that should NEVER be considered. On that note however I had a laugh with mine, mainly because the drink was putrid and disgusting, but in a strange way no different to some food I have eaten.

Today I have had a rather short day, finding myself too tired to get up for a majority of the day, likely due to the fact I had a drink last night and didn't go to bed until 4AM, so my fault entirely! In the short space of time I've been awake however I have wrote an email for legal advice regarding proceedings for compensation that my family has been considering for years, but I will write more about that at another time. On the face of things however we are now realising just how much our lives have been changed due to misdiagnosis over the life threatening heart problem my father suffered back in 2012, which required immediate surgical intervention and has left him requiring warfarin daily to survive.

On a more positive note, I am very pleased to hear that our household has Sky TV once again! My parents left Sky last year after becoming annoyed with the monthly costs for the services, and despite my objection we removed our Sky subscription back around September.  Apparently this morning we had received a call from BSkyB offering us a 12 month contract including all of Sky's HD stations, as well as Sky 3D and full access to TV Box Sets and extensive On Demand services for just £8! Previously we did not receive all of these features and were paying out around £30 per month, so we are very happy with this and having the freedom to access a lot more stations again.

Hoping everyone has had a wonderful weekend, and I'll finish this post on something that's on my mind right now. Remember that life is a roller-coaster; full of ups and downs, but it is down to us to make the most of the ups, and to get ourselves back on our feet when we get knocked down.

Careers & Expectations

It's so hard being young at times, most young people don't know what they want and yet the world expects you to know, sort and plan everything at a young age and by the time you're old enough to realise it's sometimes too late to do the things you want to do in life. 

I was never really that good at school, I didn't put effort in to all my work because I didn't realise it was at all that important, same with college. I knew I wanted to continue on and get a degree one day, but I just didn't think anything I was doing at the time was that much of a concern. 

I'm so lucky to have gotten on to my law degree, because initially I was rejected from the LLB, and it was only through arguing my case and asking for a chance to prove myself two years ago that I managed to get accepted at University of Derby's Law School. 

Honestly though, I always wanted to work in medicine and pursue a career as a doctor and also be a medical activist to help people who are failed by the system, as I and my family have been on multiple occasions. I've always wanted to help people, and being in the medical career I would've tried to make a difference to medical care in this country and the treatment available. It saddens me that currently I can go to a GP and talk about issues and they still don't seem to be all that sympathetic or understanding of my mental health, etc. and yet I can talk to friends and family and they are a lot more understanding but unfortunately unable to offer any medical support. It's also annoying how some GPs and medical professionals don't even seem remotely bothered and dismiss certain things that you know are a problem but they just bring it down to something stupid like "oh, it's probably just you feeling down, it's a non-issue!" or "you're overthinking, there's nothing wrong with you. You'll be fine soon enough!" just for something to happen not long after that which proves to them that there was. I have a history of depression and yet some doctors still say to me not to worry, when I'm not stupid and know if there's certain feelings there and concerns then they aren't just simply a 'non-issue'.

My dad has also been subject to this, having been going to the doctors for years complaining about heart problems simply to be told "it's reflux, take these tablets" and having to be rushed to hospital back in December 2012 for heart failure and having almost died. The doctors at the heart hospital then informed us that this had been an issue for a very long time and it should have been picked up earlier, and they see no reason why it wasn't noticed sooner apart from medical negligence and the failure to properly diagnose. 

I am not saying that the NHS or doctors don't do a great job, as obviously those who treated him were brilliant, and the mental health unit who helped me with my treatment and cared for me when I was at my worst were so understanding and lovely, but it really does get to me how poor some medical professionals really are. I don't understand why it happens, I would love to have been able to be in that position; get my science A Levels, do my medicine degree for all those years, get registered. I don't understand why some have worked so hard and then seemingly given up the passionate and caring approach they should have? 

Don't get me wrong, I love law and I love studying to become a lawyer, and I just hope I can make the world a better place throughout my career, but I just regret at times not working hard when I was younger to be better at sciences and actually put the effort and believe in myself when it came to doing it.  On that note however I am determined to complete my degree to the best of my ability, and I shall still take an interest in medicine for many years from now, and when I have made my success and have the time and finances I will work to improve things, as I sympathise and feel so bad for those who don't get the recognition and have access to the treatment they deserve. 

Since last year I have constantly focused on bettering myself and the world we live in, and I hope that when my time is done I have made my mark on the world and made a positive difference in some way. Currently I do that through my acts of kindness, I sympathise with everyone, and always want and see the best in people. Sometimes this has a negative effect on me, but this is the person I am and I won't change that, ever. I like to think that my existence here and my nature does make people happy and brightens up everyone who I come into contact with. 

Hopes & Dreams

I know I shouldn't complain, because I have things pretty good, but I can't help but think of the ideal things I'd want in life and what would make my life perfect.

I'm under a lot of stress because of university, money, etc. right now so my hopes and dreams are what keep me going. I've been thinking of what I would absolutely love to make my life happy, and the basic thing is money. It's sad and wrong how money basically determines everything in life; money would make me so happy. With money I could buy a nice modern house in the suburbs of Derby, have a nice car in the garage, and not have any worries about affording to get to places such as university or worrying about not being able to afford to see friends. My perfect life would be a nice house on Mickleover with a nice car in the garage. Then I would be close to university, removing the long and stressful journey I have to take almost daily, and on a social side I'd be less than a mile away from my best friend and would be able to pop in and see her whenever she feels up to it, and that would honestly make me so so happy.

If I did have a huge amount of money then I'd complete my course and not even have to work just to make ends meet. I'd help out with charities by providing funding that would go a long way, which is worth more than any material possession. I'd also become an activist to help raise awareness of less known charities and work on improving life for everybody who are affected by a wide range of different disorders. It frustrates me that I can't help people out currently because of my financial situation, when others who have more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime do nothing with it and just become richer and richer. To me the only thing I would want in life is a nice modern house, a nice modern car and the ability to be able to so loads of nice things with friends and help out the wider world.

This is my aim for life, it's a long shot but I often play scratch card games and the lottery. I know it's a 1 in 4,000,000 chance of winning say the top prize of £4mil, but I hold on to the hope that one day I could be one of those four lucky people who win the top prize. Thinking of how I could help and better the world with that money, but also gain everything I've ever wanted, which is basic human nature.

One can dream, and this is what I hold on to to get through all the stress and worry.

Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser?

I've neglected to update my blog in a while, so I'll write a rather large post now. Well, as much as I can write before I feel tired, since I'm getting up at 8AM and have a rather long day tomorrow.

My last week hasn't really involved much if I'm honest, I had university throughout last week, and have simply been working on my studies up until last Friday.

I went for a lovely meal with my family to Frankie & Benny's this Friday. It's always nice going out as a family every so often, even if we are dysfunctional and have a tendency to always argue with each other whenever we spend more than an hour with each other... but we still had a lovely meal. I had my all time favourite of a calzone, which is a folded pizza where all the topping is inside the pizza dough, but the sauce is smothered over the top. Father had the salmon and mozzarella fishcakes, and my mother had the low fat spaghetti bolognese (thinking of her diet of course!). I am still on my diet, having been living off a healthy balanced diet since New Year; sticking to minimal fizzy drinks, eating fish, chicken and red meats at least once a week, and avoiding takeaways and overindulging each month. It's going really well, despite the indulgence I had over the last few days, but it's my birthday so that's fine right? I feel a lot healthier, and my exercises are giving better results now that fatty foods are minimal.

Frankie & Benny's is such a lovely place for a family meal.

On Saturday, I had a few friends round and we ordered Domino's pizza. So, of course, I have overindulged again! We also enjoyed an evening of horror films, watching such films as Saw and Final Destination. It feels so weird to be 20, but I will just lie about my age; I am still a teenager at heart... So yeah, Saturday was my 18th birthday, hehe! 

This week I have had the usual stress of trying to get to University on time, the reliable UniBus service, and terrible weather coupled with roadworks and the like... I'm not actually struggling with my course, but getting to university is becoming very stressful, making me concerned over my anxiety issues which I overcame last year. I am becoming worried that my anxiety is increasing yet again, due to the fact that I am starting to feel very panicky whenever I am delayed and I am becoming increasingly worried that I am starting to fall behind, which is upsetting as my course is very important to me.

I also went to an appointment with my bank last week and surrendered my bank cards over concern of overspending, and the fact that I might run out of money if I don't start to budget. So now I am living off about £10 a week, and it seems to be going well so far. 

On that note, I have... treated myself... for my birthday. I have a tattoo booked for tomorrow, which will be something like a flower and a bird, and this will occupy the empty area of my half-sleeve.

 Left: The empty space. Right: Some ideas to fill this space.

On that note I've realised that I have never actually ever really written about my tattoo and the meaning behind it. To some it may just appear like a collection of things that go well together, however in reality each part has it's own special meaning to me. I'll go into that on another post, because I'm tired right now. However the reason why I am having a bird that resembles a robin or blue tit, this is because these bird symbolise freedom, and also have a deeper meaning of symbolising new beginnings. I have changed myself considerably since 2012. 2013 was the year that I started to act on changing myself and taking control of my life. 

In 2013 I worked on both my physical flaws and my mental flaws, I underwent surgery on my nose which totally changed my life, as I had a mild form of Body Dysmorphia Disorder regarding the profile of my nose, which meant that everyday I was fixated on my nose being a flaw and it had destroyed my confidence for many years and played a part with my depression, making me feel constantly unattractive to the point that going outside in itself put me under a great deal of anxiety. I was also on Citalopram 20mg for much of last year, suffering with some severe issues relating to depression. I stopped medication after the summer, and struggled for quite some time before seeing someone in December last year to explore my issues, and since coming out of the care of the psychologist I have had my life completed turned around. Since this year has started I have had very few days where I have felt symptoms or thoughts of depression, and despite the occasional day of feeling low and down I tend to wake up the next day feeling fine. 

I've made great progress, and I am determined to make a new start from now on, making sure that I'm happy and that a majority of the things in life that cause me to feel down are no longer there anymore. I will deal with my university and ensure that they take action to make sure that they are more lenient when I am inevitably delayed for lectures, and I will make sure that anybody who thinks they can bring me down are cut out of my life in an instance. I have some really wonderful friends, and I know some absolutely amazing people, they are all I need in my life and I couldn't ask for any better people in my life. 

Busy, Hectic, Etc.

I've been so busy recently. Went out on the weekend and saw my friends Sinead and Danielle for the first time in such a long time. We went shopping and spent ages in the bubble tea place and I had such a lovely day!

Bubble Tea is so cute!

My computer is now finally built and up and running, I'm just waiting on a blu-ray drive and an SSD drive. GTA V needs to come out PC soon too, I just wanna be able to chill and see how great it is running such an amazing game.

A job well done, looks pretty good if I do say myself!

Since the weekend finished I've had such a hectic week, and it's only Tuesday! Monday I was in University all day, had a mock negotiation during the morning, and we did really well, but things got shifted by the afternoon so we weren't in as such a great mood as we were after the initial verdict. Had a two hour lecture in the evening and then basically got home and fell asleep on the sofa because I was unable to move and had no energy, being so tired just shows how much I've not been used to having long days in a while.

Today, has been a bit of a mixture. I set off for University as usual this morning, however on my way up towards Derby I was forced over on country lanes to let a fire engine past. There are so many potholes appearing in Derbyshire, and I happened to hit one which gave me a sharp jolt. I pulled over after noticing the steering on my car was really light, there didn't seem to be anything wrong, so I continued on for about 300 yards... at this point I noticed that my dashboard was on a complete slant, and that the passenger side was much lower than the driver side. I was unable to pull over at this point, and to my horror when I checked the passenger side tyres the one on the passenger side was completely gone! 

Amazing how much damage a simple pothole can do...

To make this even worse I was in an area with NO SERVICE whatsoever, and having never had a flat before I was stranded in the middle of the countryside. Numerous vehicles just drove right past me and some were going so fast that the wind caused by one car actually knocked me off my feet, it's amazing how many people simply don't care enough to help someone out when they're in trouble. My faith in humanity was restored however when two lovely gentlemen in a white van noticed me stranded and replaced my flat with the spare tyre in my boot, which safely got me to the Ford garage in Burton-upon-Trent.

Since then I've had my phone looked at by Apple, since my screen was worryingly loose, and I'm very pleased once again with their amazing customer service and left the Apple Store with a brand new iPhone 5S to ensure that the problem would not happen again.

I'm going to make another attempt on silver shampooing my hair tonight to try and get it to a nicer tone, and then I have family coming round to see me tomorrow before my birthday next Saturday. Then I have university the rest of the week before having a chilled out weekend in Birmingham this Saturday.

Life has its ups and downs; but I guess this is what makes things interesting for all of us.

Productivity, Imitation & Socialisation

I thought this week would be rather stressful from the foresight, but it's now Thursday and I've actually and such a good week!

Monday and Tuesday consisted of nothing but revision and exams, which was tough, but I always put myself through a lot of stress when it comes to my studies, and after sitting both my European Law exam and my Criminal Law exam I'm confident that I've successfully passed these modules and I'm well on track to earning my LLB Degree.

The relief of having exams gone and done is amazing, so to celebrate I had a really lovely day with one of my best ever friends, Tasha. We went for a lovely Chinese buffet and literally stuffed our faces with all the fab food, and then we went to the cinema to watch the new Paranormal Activity. I absolutely adore days like this, it makes me feel so happy spending time with people who mean so much to me, and since I've been stuck inside revising for weeks and not had much chance to see people it's put me in such an amazing mood!

Bizarrely, on Monday, someone brought to my attention the fact I seemed to have a fake profile of myself on Facebook. This isn't the first time I've had people use my pictures on Facebook, but this time it was really weird as they had literally completely imitated me; they included my previous work, they included Derby as my location, even included pictures from my Facebook of my Beyoncé tickets and parts of the house... It's really scary, and also really annoying, since they used my pre-surgery photos and set a status about considering cosmetic surgery.  I think this annoys me greatly because the pictures are obviously of me, and using something I was really sensitive about on a fake profile is just pathetic. I suffered from Body Dysmorphia Disorder, which is a anxiety disorder where the sufferer see certain characteristics of their appearance as a serious flaw, so last year after a while of being hesitant I finally made an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon and underwent a rhinoplasty, which has completely changed my life since and has made me feel like I'm living to the full for the first time.

When people make fun of this, like it's a joke, they don't understand how much of a serious issue it truly is, and I would recommend nobody to ever insult people based on their appearance or use genuine recognised medical conditions to make out that a person is 'attention seeking' or 'stuck up'. Unless you suffer from something, you have no idea what it is like to suffer from it. I would never ever make comment over someone's mental or physical conditions, as it just show pure ignorance.

That's my annoyance over that dealt with though, and that's pretty much my week so far. Today I have spent the majority of the day upgrading my computer, after building up the courage to even start handling the components of course! Now that I have mostly swapped out the old components I'm amazed by how simple building a computer and upgrading a computer is. Currently the computer is sitting on my workbench, because I neglected to realise that my current CPU cooler would not correctly fit onto the new chipset. So I've got one of those on for order tomorrow, at which point I can then finally complete the build.

My Gaming Baby - currently missing it's cooler and main components

Once this system is set up I will be able to pass my components on to my best friend, and once she has got a system case and a few other components I will build her a gaming rig that will be able to play games with really good frame rates on high settings. It makes me really happy that she is interested in having a powerful computer, since the old components would sadly likely just sit within my house and gather dust which is an awful shame considering how much power and potential they have. My family is going out for a nice meal tomorrow evening to celebrate this week and the completion of my exams, we'll likely go to Frankie & Benny's and have a really nice Italian. My diet has definitely suffered this week!