Health, Friends & Beyoncé

I've had quite a stressful last seven days, had both very high ups and very bad downs.

Last Wednesday I made an appointment to see my GP over concerns I've been having personally. I've felt so down the last few weeks, and on most days I've had little to no motivation to do anything that used to be important to me. I've found myself feeling alone and disconnected from everything, and it's been really getting to me. I was seen by my university about two weeks ago over these concerns, and should hopefully have a support plan sorted out to relieve some of the pressure and stress I've been feeling, this is when I decided to see a doctor. Unfortunately, as I feared, my doctor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and I have had to go back on to medication I haven't taken since last year. I feel crushed to know that I was making such great progress not too long ago and yet again I'm at this point where I feel helpless. It makes you so scared, how things can look up and you feel so happy, and then suddenly you feel like you've been hit for no apparent reason with such a negative view... 

It's not all bad though, a small handful of friends have been there for me since then, when others aren't so considerate or caring. My best friend, Tasha, in particular has been wonderful! When we speak it genuinely feels that she complete understands how I am feeling right now, and she is so caring and shows generosity in a way that is unfortunately rarely seen in most people. I'm so proud to call her my best friend, and knowing that she is there for me and genuinely cares never fails to put a smile on my face. I love her to absolute bits!

Hannah, another one of my close friends, has also been wonderful. I've felt alone recently and she has constantly made plans with me in attempts to cheer me up and stop me from feeling so negative. Today, after feeling miserable and not up to going into University she invited me to spend the afternoon with her, where we watched movies and had a good talk. It's small things like this and knowing that I actually mean something to some people that gives me the strength to carry on and sit back and realise the world that we live in isn't always as bad as it seems. 

The thing I have learnt from this is, although we may associate ourselves with many people in our lives, there will only be a handful of genuine people who truly care enough for you to realise that you're going through your worst and do their absolute best to try and make things better for you when you need it the most.

Despite my anxiety I went to see one of my idols on Monday at the LG Arena in Birmingham. Although crowds and huge social events where I do not know anybody make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and susceptible to panic, I made the journey to Birmingham alone and joined the standing crowd for Beyoncé's Mrs Carter Show World Tour. Despite all of this, I had such an amazing night and it was without a doubt one of the best nights of my life. 

Beyoncé is one of my biggest idols, I love and respect her so much. She is flawless and also seems to have more respect than most celebrities. Her international fame and following is well deserved!

Being in the same room as her just overwhelmed me with joy, and I am honestly beyond happy that I was fortunate enough to be able to see her live. The show she put on was amazing, she used visual videos before some of her performances to give a story and definitely involved the audience. She was also so lovely, telling us all how much she appreciates and loved us as fans, and touching peoples hands who were fortunate enough to be right up close to the stage. It was also someone's birthday, which when Beyoncé became aware she sang Happy Birthday whilst holding his hand, followed by kissing him on the hand before moving on to her next song! It is lovely to see that she makes the extra effort with fans when others would simply get on with a show and then just wrap it up. It genuinely felt like she loved doing what she was doing and loved involving the audience. My respect and love for her is higher than ever, and I am already missing the experience of seeing her live. I really hope that she will have another show sometime in the not too distant future, where I will definitely go and see her again and hopefully take someone with me.

Tattoos

So a while ago I said I would post about my tattoos, so here it is:-

The roses are specifically red for symbolistic reasons, they are often affiliated with love and beauty, and this is why I had these are part of my sleeve.

The compass and the pocket-watch go together, the former represents the entity of space and navigation in a physical form, whereas the latter represents time. Personally, the compass has importance to me as it is a reminder that no matter what happens we can always find our way, not just when we are physically lost, but also when we are emotionally 'lost'. The pocket-watch has a similar meaning, I am a great believer that time is a great healer for any misfortune, etc. we may go through in life, and is a reminder that time can heal all wounds, yet again whether physical or emotional.

The snake and the skull are simply there because I like them as a space filler, snakes create great effects when used in such a large tattoo, and coupling it with something such as a skull is common. Snakes commonly represent good and evil, going back to biblical stories of Adam & Eve, but I assure you there is no evil in me, maybe... (Joking, I'm not at all evil!)

The Eye of Providence has a certain meaning behind it, it is commonly associated with the illuminati nowadays, however it has a deeper meaning. The religious meaning is that god can see all that someone does. The iris is blue however, matching my own eyes. The eye sees all and knows all, this is not intended in a big headed way, but it represents that those who do wrong to me should be aware that I can see right through them, and that I usually find out about things, even if I can't physically see them.

The dreamcatcher is one of the newer parts of my tattoo, probably the most painful too! The dreamcatcher has origins from Native American culture, it is said that they allow the good dreams to pass through, and the bad dreams (nightmares) become trapped in the netting, and would disappear as the sun comes up. I have a dreamcatcher in my bedroom window, and having one on my arm it symbolises that no matter where I am, whether i'm staying at friends or camping, I will be protected from the bad dreams.

The owl is another newer tattoo, and is located above the dreamcatcher within my bicep. The owl is another symbolic tattoo that comes from Greek culture, specifically being sacred to the goddess of learning; Athena. The owl symbolises intelligence and wisdom, and this is why I had this done; I have spent most of my life learning, studying, and bettering my understanding of both academics and personal things. I have become wise due to my own personal experiences and as a result feel that I can help out others because of this, specifically those younger than me who may need guidance. I also like to think that I am rather intelligent, having studied hard most of my life and successfully being accepted to law school in 2012. Before, and since then, I have always dedicated myself to expanding my knowledge and making the most of everything available to me.

This is my newest tattoo, and was only done about two weeks ago. The initial plan was to have a bird of paradise tattooed in this gap, however there was insufficient space. The bird of paradise would have symbolised freedom, reminding me that although we all have expectations in life and regulations to comply with, we are all free and have the right to enjoy life. Instead I came up with a design of a swallow, which is said to represent love and affection towards family and friends. I strongly believe that it is my family and friends that make my life worth living, and I would do anything for either of them. I could never thank some of my friends enough for what they have done for me and for how completely amazon they are, especially my best friend Tasha who has been there for me so much, and unlike others, always has time for me. Nor could I ever completely show my appreciation for all the support my parents have shown me over the years, and for the wonderful upbringing I have had. 

So, as promised: these are all my tattoos (so far) and the meanings behind them, I hope this gives for an interesting read.

TLC Time

Unlike my usual weekends I decided to spend this weekend at home. In part due to the terrible weather, horrible winds and my lack of money. In someways I've had a rather normal dull boring weekend, but in some strange ways I haven't.

My cosy room; where I have spent most my weekend!

I wrote to my University last week lodging a complaint over my commuting to university, in particular the fact that I usually arrive at Markeaton Park & Ride well before lectures start, but because the buses do not bother to turn up half the time I find myself late to lectures, and because of university policies I have sometimes had to simply leave and go home, wasting not only my fuel but also my time. This has since been rectified however, having finally been granted a parking permit at the main campus, which is a mere 2 minute walk once arriving by car, opposed to 20 minutes through muddy and windy conditions when parking at Markeaton Park.  Unfortunately I've discovered certain issues from this however that I was hoping wouldn't return.

I have found myself often uncomfortable and anxious with being at university recently, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to relax when there are masses of people around me, most of which I don't know on a personal level. I've have also find myself panicking a lot when something goes wrong, such as when the buses didn't turn up or having forgotten materials such as module handbooks, etc. It has been so bad on occasions that my breathing has got to the point of being heavy and I have had to sit down and rest for a while before feeling like I can continue doing what I was doing. I'm rather worried over this, and I'm going to make an appointment with a GP for peace of mind. I just find it so difficult to talk about this in person with anybody other than my closest friends, which always make it a difficult and frightening thing to do, but the fact I'm now willing to talk and get advice must surely be positive.

Drinking the vile drink!

I was also nominated to do the neck nomination challenge, which is stupid but I did it for the fun of it. Mine was simple and not harmful with just involving one alcoholic drink and a few other ingredients, NO DAIRY and NOTHING NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. I have seen multiple videos like this, and it baffles me how stupid people seem to be, examples have included people drinking battery acid, bleach, urine, and other things that aren't fit for human consumption... If anyone is ever nominated for this and decided they are going to go through with it I would seriously urge you to consider what you include in your mix; mixing many different spirits, household cleaning products, and items such as that should NEVER be considered. On that note however I had a laugh with mine, mainly because the drink was putrid and disgusting, but in a strange way no different to some food I have eaten.

Today I have had a rather short day, finding myself too tired to get up for a majority of the day, likely due to the fact I had a drink last night and didn't go to bed until 4AM, so my fault entirely! In the short space of time I've been awake however I have wrote an email for legal advice regarding proceedings for compensation that my family has been considering for years, but I will write more about that at another time. On the face of things however we are now realising just how much our lives have been changed due to misdiagnosis over the life threatening heart problem my father suffered back in 2012, which required immediate surgical intervention and has left him requiring warfarin daily to survive.

On a more positive note, I am very pleased to hear that our household has Sky TV once again! My parents left Sky last year after becoming annoyed with the monthly costs for the services, and despite my objection we removed our Sky subscription back around September.  Apparently this morning we had received a call from BSkyB offering us a 12 month contract including all of Sky's HD stations, as well as Sky 3D and full access to TV Box Sets and extensive On Demand services for just £8! Previously we did not receive all of these features and were paying out around £30 per month, so we are very happy with this and having the freedom to access a lot more stations again.

Hoping everyone has had a wonderful weekend, and I'll finish this post on something that's on my mind right now. Remember that life is a roller-coaster; full of ups and downs, but it is down to us to make the most of the ups, and to get ourselves back on our feet when we get knocked down.

Careers & Expectations

It's so hard being young at times, most young people don't know what they want and yet the world expects you to know, sort and plan everything at a young age and by the time you're old enough to realise it's sometimes too late to do the things you want to do in life. 

I was never really that good at school, I didn't put effort in to all my work because I didn't realise it was at all that important, same with college. I knew I wanted to continue on and get a degree one day, but I just didn't think anything I was doing at the time was that much of a concern. 

I'm so lucky to have gotten on to my law degree, because initially I was rejected from the LLB, and it was only through arguing my case and asking for a chance to prove myself two years ago that I managed to get accepted at University of Derby's Law School. 

Honestly though, I always wanted to work in medicine and pursue a career as a doctor and also be a medical activist to help people who are failed by the system, as I and my family have been on multiple occasions. I've always wanted to help people, and being in the medical career I would've tried to make a difference to medical care in this country and the treatment available. It saddens me that currently I can go to a GP and talk about issues and they still don't seem to be all that sympathetic or understanding of my mental health, etc. and yet I can talk to friends and family and they are a lot more understanding but unfortunately unable to offer any medical support. It's also annoying how some GPs and medical professionals don't even seem remotely bothered and dismiss certain things that you know are a problem but they just bring it down to something stupid like "oh, it's probably just you feeling down, it's a non-issue!" or "you're overthinking, there's nothing wrong with you. You'll be fine soon enough!" just for something to happen not long after that which proves to them that there was. I have a history of depression and yet some doctors still say to me not to worry, when I'm not stupid and know if there's certain feelings there and concerns then they aren't just simply a 'non-issue'.

My dad has also been subject to this, having been going to the doctors for years complaining about heart problems simply to be told "it's reflux, take these tablets" and having to be rushed to hospital back in December 2012 for heart failure and having almost died. The doctors at the heart hospital then informed us that this had been an issue for a very long time and it should have been picked up earlier, and they see no reason why it wasn't noticed sooner apart from medical negligence and the failure to properly diagnose. 

I am not saying that the NHS or doctors don't do a great job, as obviously those who treated him were brilliant, and the mental health unit who helped me with my treatment and cared for me when I was at my worst were so understanding and lovely, but it really does get to me how poor some medical professionals really are. I don't understand why it happens, I would love to have been able to be in that position; get my science A Levels, do my medicine degree for all those years, get registered. I don't understand why some have worked so hard and then seemingly given up the passionate and caring approach they should have? 

Don't get me wrong, I love law and I love studying to become a lawyer, and I just hope I can make the world a better place throughout my career, but I just regret at times not working hard when I was younger to be better at sciences and actually put the effort and believe in myself when it came to doing it.  On that note however I am determined to complete my degree to the best of my ability, and I shall still take an interest in medicine for many years from now, and when I have made my success and have the time and finances I will work to improve things, as I sympathise and feel so bad for those who don't get the recognition and have access to the treatment they deserve. 

Since last year I have constantly focused on bettering myself and the world we live in, and I hope that when my time is done I have made my mark on the world and made a positive difference in some way. Currently I do that through my acts of kindness, I sympathise with everyone, and always want and see the best in people. Sometimes this has a negative effect on me, but this is the person I am and I won't change that, ever. I like to think that my existence here and my nature does make people happy and brightens up everyone who I come into contact with. 

Hopes & Dreams

I know I shouldn't complain, because I have things pretty good, but I can't help but think of the ideal things I'd want in life and what would make my life perfect.

I'm under a lot of stress because of university, money, etc. right now so my hopes and dreams are what keep me going. I've been thinking of what I would absolutely love to make my life happy, and the basic thing is money. It's sad and wrong how money basically determines everything in life; money would make me so happy. With money I could buy a nice modern house in the suburbs of Derby, have a nice car in the garage, and not have any worries about affording to get to places such as university or worrying about not being able to afford to see friends. My perfect life would be a nice house on Mickleover with a nice car in the garage. Then I would be close to university, removing the long and stressful journey I have to take almost daily, and on a social side I'd be less than a mile away from my best friend and would be able to pop in and see her whenever she feels up to it, and that would honestly make me so so happy.

If I did have a huge amount of money then I'd complete my course and not even have to work just to make ends meet. I'd help out with charities by providing funding that would go a long way, which is worth more than any material possession. I'd also become an activist to help raise awareness of less known charities and work on improving life for everybody who are affected by a wide range of different disorders. It frustrates me that I can't help people out currently because of my financial situation, when others who have more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime do nothing with it and just become richer and richer. To me the only thing I would want in life is a nice modern house, a nice modern car and the ability to be able to so loads of nice things with friends and help out the wider world.

This is my aim for life, it's a long shot but I often play scratch card games and the lottery. I know it's a 1 in 4,000,000 chance of winning say the top prize of £4mil, but I hold on to the hope that one day I could be one of those four lucky people who win the top prize. Thinking of how I could help and better the world with that money, but also gain everything I've ever wanted, which is basic human nature.

One can dream, and this is what I hold on to to get through all the stress and worry.

Another Year Older, Another Year Wiser?

I've neglected to update my blog in a while, so I'll write a rather large post now. Well, as much as I can write before I feel tired, since I'm getting up at 8AM and have a rather long day tomorrow.

My last week hasn't really involved much if I'm honest, I had university throughout last week, and have simply been working on my studies up until last Friday.

I went for a lovely meal with my family to Frankie & Benny's this Friday. It's always nice going out as a family every so often, even if we are dysfunctional and have a tendency to always argue with each other whenever we spend more than an hour with each other... but we still had a lovely meal. I had my all time favourite of a calzone, which is a folded pizza where all the topping is inside the pizza dough, but the sauce is smothered over the top. Father had the salmon and mozzarella fishcakes, and my mother had the low fat spaghetti bolognese (thinking of her diet of course!). I am still on my diet, having been living off a healthy balanced diet since New Year; sticking to minimal fizzy drinks, eating fish, chicken and red meats at least once a week, and avoiding takeaways and overindulging each month. It's going really well, despite the indulgence I had over the last few days, but it's my birthday so that's fine right? I feel a lot healthier, and my exercises are giving better results now that fatty foods are minimal.

Frankie & Benny's is such a lovely place for a family meal.

On Saturday, I had a few friends round and we ordered Domino's pizza. So, of course, I have overindulged again! We also enjoyed an evening of horror films, watching such films as Saw and Final Destination. It feels so weird to be 20, but I will just lie about my age; I am still a teenager at heart... So yeah, Saturday was my 18th birthday, hehe! 

This week I have had the usual stress of trying to get to University on time, the reliable UniBus service, and terrible weather coupled with roadworks and the like... I'm not actually struggling with my course, but getting to university is becoming very stressful, making me concerned over my anxiety issues which I overcame last year. I am becoming worried that my anxiety is increasing yet again, due to the fact that I am starting to feel very panicky whenever I am delayed and I am becoming increasingly worried that I am starting to fall behind, which is upsetting as my course is very important to me.

I also went to an appointment with my bank last week and surrendered my bank cards over concern of overspending, and the fact that I might run out of money if I don't start to budget. So now I am living off about £10 a week, and it seems to be going well so far. 

On that note, I have... treated myself... for my birthday. I have a tattoo booked for tomorrow, which will be something like a flower and a bird, and this will occupy the empty area of my half-sleeve.

 Left: The empty space. Right: Some ideas to fill this space.

On that note I've realised that I have never actually ever really written about my tattoo and the meaning behind it. To some it may just appear like a collection of things that go well together, however in reality each part has it's own special meaning to me. I'll go into that on another post, because I'm tired right now. However the reason why I am having a bird that resembles a robin or blue tit, this is because these bird symbolise freedom, and also have a deeper meaning of symbolising new beginnings. I have changed myself considerably since 2012. 2013 was the year that I started to act on changing myself and taking control of my life. 

In 2013 I worked on both my physical flaws and my mental flaws, I underwent surgery on my nose which totally changed my life, as I had a mild form of Body Dysmorphia Disorder regarding the profile of my nose, which meant that everyday I was fixated on my nose being a flaw and it had destroyed my confidence for many years and played a part with my depression, making me feel constantly unattractive to the point that going outside in itself put me under a great deal of anxiety. I was also on Citalopram 20mg for much of last year, suffering with some severe issues relating to depression. I stopped medication after the summer, and struggled for quite some time before seeing someone in December last year to explore my issues, and since coming out of the care of the psychologist I have had my life completed turned around. Since this year has started I have had very few days where I have felt symptoms or thoughts of depression, and despite the occasional day of feeling low and down I tend to wake up the next day feeling fine. 

I've made great progress, and I am determined to make a new start from now on, making sure that I'm happy and that a majority of the things in life that cause me to feel down are no longer there anymore. I will deal with my university and ensure that they take action to make sure that they are more lenient when I am inevitably delayed for lectures, and I will make sure that anybody who thinks they can bring me down are cut out of my life in an instance. I have some really wonderful friends, and I know some absolutely amazing people, they are all I need in my life and I couldn't ask for any better people in my life.