Update

Haven't updated my blog in a while, truth is I've been really busy and I'm struggling. The last few weeks have been really difficult.

To start with I had a party, which was okay, but the weekend after was awful. I was verbally abused in my own house, my house was disrespected, and I was told to kill myself by someone I thought was my friend. Another 'friend' also went on to accuse me of things such as making up my illness and being a thief. Where these came from I have no idea, but they've had a lasting detriment on my mental health. In the past few weeks I've had times where I've harmed myself, been unable to sleep and have cried on multiple occasions. There have been times where I haven't wanted to carry on going, feeling like it's not worth it. 

The last two weeks, and the next week to unfollow is going to be a huge strain on me. I have exams coming up, and practical assignments, yet my anxiety and depression feels worse than it's been in a long time. I feel physically and emotionally drained at times, and I feel alone. It's really difficult to try and stay positive and get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I believe in myself to get through this, but the time I have left before this happens feels like it's going to be impossible. I've always been a strong person though, and I'm determined to struggle through this time, so that I can enjoy the relaxation and detox that the summer and my study vacation will bring.

Right now I'm sitting here feeling really down, feeling like I need to write to my blog again, as it might help ease my mind somewhat writing about how I'm feeling. I'm making progress with my assignments and revision, but I'm feeling constantly anxious and I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up somewhere and fuck up my life even more. I feel alone, like I have hardly anybody to talk to right now. It feels like I mean nothing in most peoples lives. I've tried to always be there for people and bring happiness to others, but right now I just don't feel capable of that because I can't even make myself feel happy... I always look to it and think of how things can only get better, which is what keeps me going I guess. It doesn't make the present very easy though.

I want to see people, but I can barely pull myself away from my work, otherwise I feel like I'm going to mess things up, it makes me feel more and more isolated each day, like if I disappeared that nobody outside of these four walls would even notice. I'm seeing one of my closest friends tomorrow, to have a movie day and hopefully to try and cheer each other up. I need to take this break, because I know that if I don't my mental wellbeing will diminish even more.

I've taken other steps to try and be positive and make myself feel better with myself, I've stopped drinking completely for the past two weeks and I don't intend to drink again or get drunk any time soon. Perhaps in the summer months I will occasionally. I've also begun meditation and started to follow Buddhist teachings, although it will take time to abstain from things that cause suffering, the Buddha's teachings are a great way of understanding your own being more and helps with understanding and finding the causes of suffering.

Perhaps, when these exams are finished, I'll feel a lot better. I'm optimistic for this, despite how I currently feel. I'm going to make another appointment for a mental health review, because I really feel like I could do with extra support right now.