Anxiety Attacks

Anxiety and depression is ruining my life, and I think if it wasn't for the support I receive and my counsellor id probably be dead. 

I had one of the worst anxiety attacks ever today. I had to do a practical assessment for my Law degree, and because of a cross reference by the judge on my case I became frozen and unable to speak. I was failed on the spot and asked to sit down. I then had a panic attack after leaving the room. I had to see a support worker just to calm me down, and I was unable to drive back home from Derby out of fear that I'd end up crashing my car or purposely injuring myself. It wasn't until an hour after that my breathing was back to normal, but I then found myself completely terrified and uncomfortable just by being in the university. I even said that I wanted to leave and never come back, feeling like it was impossible to recover from this negative experience. 

Thankfully, I have a support plan that grants me a support worker and a counsellor, and thanks to them I was able to go to someone when I was distraught and unstable. I've never failed an exam or assessment in my life, so this was a huge blow to me. However, the support worker told me that with such a difficult subject my social anxiety only makes it worse... I shouldn't blame myself for anything that happened though; I did my best and tried and that's all I could ask of myself. This helped me feel better, and hopefully I'll be fine for my EU exam, which is on Thursday. 

I am determined to succeed in the final parts of this academic year, and not try and let today, which was perhaps one of the worst episodes I've ever had, stop me from achieving my aims and get my degree. Mental health support is so important to someone who suffers as I do, and I think the budget cuts in this area are a huge mistake and could potentially put so many people at risk. It is hard enough when you suffer with anxiety and depression to be understood as it is, because the illness is invisible, but if I didn't have the support I'm offered by the healthcare authority then I have no idea what would have happened to me by now. 

Anyone who suffers like I do, just remember that anxiety and depression can have a serious impact on your life, but don't give up! You'll have your awful days and good days, but the important thing which I've learnt to recognise is that they are usually merely temporary illnesses and at some point in your life you will recover and/or learn to overcome them. I hold on to this because I know that once I am better my life will improve and I can enjoy life to the full. The present is hard right now, but the future is still bright.

Update

Haven't updated my blog in a while, truth is I've been really busy and I'm struggling. The last few weeks have been really difficult.

To start with I had a party, which was okay, but the weekend after was awful. I was verbally abused in my own house, my house was disrespected, and I was told to kill myself by someone I thought was my friend. Another 'friend' also went on to accuse me of things such as making up my illness and being a thief. Where these came from I have no idea, but they've had a lasting detriment on my mental health. In the past few weeks I've had times where I've harmed myself, been unable to sleep and have cried on multiple occasions. There have been times where I haven't wanted to carry on going, feeling like it's not worth it. 

The last two weeks, and the next week to unfollow is going to be a huge strain on me. I have exams coming up, and practical assignments, yet my anxiety and depression feels worse than it's been in a long time. I feel physically and emotionally drained at times, and I feel alone. It's really difficult to try and stay positive and get through this. The light at the end of the tunnel is that I believe in myself to get through this, but the time I have left before this happens feels like it's going to be impossible. I've always been a strong person though, and I'm determined to struggle through this time, so that I can enjoy the relaxation and detox that the summer and my study vacation will bring.

Right now I'm sitting here feeling really down, feeling like I need to write to my blog again, as it might help ease my mind somewhat writing about how I'm feeling. I'm making progress with my assignments and revision, but I'm feeling constantly anxious and I'm terrified that I'm going to mess up somewhere and fuck up my life even more. I feel alone, like I have hardly anybody to talk to right now. It feels like I mean nothing in most peoples lives. I've tried to always be there for people and bring happiness to others, but right now I just don't feel capable of that because I can't even make myself feel happy... I always look to it and think of how things can only get better, which is what keeps me going I guess. It doesn't make the present very easy though.

I want to see people, but I can barely pull myself away from my work, otherwise I feel like I'm going to mess things up, it makes me feel more and more isolated each day, like if I disappeared that nobody outside of these four walls would even notice. I'm seeing one of my closest friends tomorrow, to have a movie day and hopefully to try and cheer each other up. I need to take this break, because I know that if I don't my mental wellbeing will diminish even more.

I've taken other steps to try and be positive and make myself feel better with myself, I've stopped drinking completely for the past two weeks and I don't intend to drink again or get drunk any time soon. Perhaps in the summer months I will occasionally. I've also begun meditation and started to follow Buddhist teachings, although it will take time to abstain from things that cause suffering, the Buddha's teachings are a great way of understanding your own being more and helps with understanding and finding the causes of suffering.

Perhaps, when these exams are finished, I'll feel a lot better. I'm optimistic for this, despite how I currently feel. I'm going to make another appointment for a mental health review, because I really feel like I could do with extra support right now.

Invisible Illnesses

I had a mental health review today, and something that is extremely important to me and plays a huge part in my life is that of invisible illnesses. I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks, but the thing with these are you cannot tell I suffer from them unless you specifically know me well. This is the main problem with such illnesses as depression, anxiety, M.E., post-traumatic stress disorder, etc.

Take for example the above two photos. The photo on the left was me last year, before I was suffering from depression and all the problems I experience now. The photo of me on the right is from this week, after being diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago. Simply looking at these photos, or any photos of me, will not really show you anything: you wouldn't notice a difference here, apart from my hair (of course), but the fact of the matter is that although I look happy/well in both of these pictures life was a lot easier when the one on the left was taken. 

This therefore poses the difficulty, and perhaps the ignorance, which I have noticed over time. In a perfect world I wouldn't have to deal with my anxiety and depression, but unfortunately this is not a perfect world and I am suffering, but I do not deserve to further go through a bigger ordeal such as people making it worst. Sadly, quite a few of my closest friends suffer from depression, which helps me to not feel so alone at times, and being able to help them really does boost my mood. Life is unfair, everyone who I know who suffers as I do are literally the loveliest people you would ever meet, who would never wish harm on anybody, and are always loving in personality, and yet those who seem to be horrible and judgemental seem not to go through such things.

I guess that comes to another feeling I personally get (and I'm sure others may sometimes feel this too) which is that I feel weak and hopeless because of suffering like I do. I feel as though I'm alone and isolated, and long to just be happy without a care in the world. It angers me more than anything though when people refer to things such as depression or anxiety or M.E. as not real, and having comments by some being "just get over it!" or "you're just looking for attention." I confide in my blog for this, since I would never really post about this on social networking sites as they seem to be full of narrow minded and dismissive people who seem anything but supportive. This shows the ignorance of some in society today, why would people fake such things? Invisible illnesses all seem to have one thing in common; that they affect the sufferers daily life in a significant way, so why would anybody want to fake this feeling? 

I personally feel like I'm in a really bad place right now: I can't deal with much social interaction without feeling constantly uncomfortable; I'm susceptible to unpredictable panic attacks which can happen anywhere, and as a result make me feel very anxious and scared of attempting anything; I can barely even speak to people I hardly know to even ask for little things like a pen or the time! 

The worst thing about all these things is that I can look back to say a year ago where I was so confident and could manage to do so much, which now the very thought of doing certain things fills me with feelings of dread and fear. It's knowing that, I was once able to do these things with no trouble and yet, now I can't do them. All this does is make me feel even more depressed, and it feels like a never ending downward spiral that I can't seem to get out of right now.

I've been liaising with my universities student wellbeing service and I have received loads of very helpful information. The most important thing I need to remember is that I am not alone, and anybody who suffers from an invisible illness should always remember one thing: You Are Not Alone! There are many of us who suffer, but as the name suggests, it's not always so obvious, because the symptoms are mainly noticed by the sufferer and not observed by everyone else. This doesn't mean we are weak though, if anything we are strong. It is important to look at the positives, and whilst I may be at my worst right now, I know that in time I will start to feel better and that as a result of this I will come out a stronger person. Life can be incredibly hard and at times the feeling of giving up can sound tempting, but you must always remember that it is worth fighting for and that you can beat whatever it is that you're going through!

Health, Friends & Beyoncé

I've had quite a stressful last seven days, had both very high ups and very bad downs.

Last Wednesday I made an appointment to see my GP over concerns I've been having personally. I've felt so down the last few weeks, and on most days I've had little to no motivation to do anything that used to be important to me. I've found myself feeling alone and disconnected from everything, and it's been really getting to me. I was seen by my university about two weeks ago over these concerns, and should hopefully have a support plan sorted out to relieve some of the pressure and stress I've been feeling, this is when I decided to see a doctor. Unfortunately, as I feared, my doctor diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and I have had to go back on to medication I haven't taken since last year. I feel crushed to know that I was making such great progress not too long ago and yet again I'm at this point where I feel helpless. It makes you so scared, how things can look up and you feel so happy, and then suddenly you feel like you've been hit for no apparent reason with such a negative view... 

It's not all bad though, a small handful of friends have been there for me since then, when others aren't so considerate or caring. My best friend, Tasha, in particular has been wonderful! When we speak it genuinely feels that she complete understands how I am feeling right now, and she is so caring and shows generosity in a way that is unfortunately rarely seen in most people. I'm so proud to call her my best friend, and knowing that she is there for me and genuinely cares never fails to put a smile on my face. I love her to absolute bits!

Hannah, another one of my close friends, has also been wonderful. I've felt alone recently and she has constantly made plans with me in attempts to cheer me up and stop me from feeling so negative. Today, after feeling miserable and not up to going into University she invited me to spend the afternoon with her, where we watched movies and had a good talk. It's small things like this and knowing that I actually mean something to some people that gives me the strength to carry on and sit back and realise the world that we live in isn't always as bad as it seems. 

The thing I have learnt from this is, although we may associate ourselves with many people in our lives, there will only be a handful of genuine people who truly care enough for you to realise that you're going through your worst and do their absolute best to try and make things better for you when you need it the most.

Despite my anxiety I went to see one of my idols on Monday at the LG Arena in Birmingham. Although crowds and huge social events where I do not know anybody make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and susceptible to panic, I made the journey to Birmingham alone and joined the standing crowd for Beyoncé's Mrs Carter Show World Tour. Despite all of this, I had such an amazing night and it was without a doubt one of the best nights of my life. 

Beyoncé is one of my biggest idols, I love and respect her so much. She is flawless and also seems to have more respect than most celebrities. Her international fame and following is well deserved!

Being in the same room as her just overwhelmed me with joy, and I am honestly beyond happy that I was fortunate enough to be able to see her live. The show she put on was amazing, she used visual videos before some of her performances to give a story and definitely involved the audience. She was also so lovely, telling us all how much she appreciates and loved us as fans, and touching peoples hands who were fortunate enough to be right up close to the stage. It was also someone's birthday, which when Beyoncé became aware she sang Happy Birthday whilst holding his hand, followed by kissing him on the hand before moving on to her next song! It is lovely to see that she makes the extra effort with fans when others would simply get on with a show and then just wrap it up. It genuinely felt like she loved doing what she was doing and loved involving the audience. My respect and love for her is higher than ever, and I am already missing the experience of seeing her live. I really hope that she will have another show sometime in the not too distant future, where I will definitely go and see her again and hopefully take someone with me.

Tattoos

So a while ago I said I would post about my tattoos, so here it is:-

The roses are specifically red for symbolistic reasons, they are often affiliated with love and beauty, and this is why I had these are part of my sleeve.

The compass and the pocket-watch go together, the former represents the entity of space and navigation in a physical form, whereas the latter represents time. Personally, the compass has importance to me as it is a reminder that no matter what happens we can always find our way, not just when we are physically lost, but also when we are emotionally 'lost'. The pocket-watch has a similar meaning, I am a great believer that time is a great healer for any misfortune, etc. we may go through in life, and is a reminder that time can heal all wounds, yet again whether physical or emotional.

The snake and the skull are simply there because I like them as a space filler, snakes create great effects when used in such a large tattoo, and coupling it with something such as a skull is common. Snakes commonly represent good and evil, going back to biblical stories of Adam & Eve, but I assure you there is no evil in me, maybe... (Joking, I'm not at all evil!)

The Eye of Providence has a certain meaning behind it, it is commonly associated with the illuminati nowadays, however it has a deeper meaning. The religious meaning is that god can see all that someone does. The iris is blue however, matching my own eyes. The eye sees all and knows all, this is not intended in a big headed way, but it represents that those who do wrong to me should be aware that I can see right through them, and that I usually find out about things, even if I can't physically see them.

The dreamcatcher is one of the newer parts of my tattoo, probably the most painful too! The dreamcatcher has origins from Native American culture, it is said that they allow the good dreams to pass through, and the bad dreams (nightmares) become trapped in the netting, and would disappear as the sun comes up. I have a dreamcatcher in my bedroom window, and having one on my arm it symbolises that no matter where I am, whether i'm staying at friends or camping, I will be protected from the bad dreams.

The owl is another newer tattoo, and is located above the dreamcatcher within my bicep. The owl is another symbolic tattoo that comes from Greek culture, specifically being sacred to the goddess of learning; Athena. The owl symbolises intelligence and wisdom, and this is why I had this done; I have spent most of my life learning, studying, and bettering my understanding of both academics and personal things. I have become wise due to my own personal experiences and as a result feel that I can help out others because of this, specifically those younger than me who may need guidance. I also like to think that I am rather intelligent, having studied hard most of my life and successfully being accepted to law school in 2012. Before, and since then, I have always dedicated myself to expanding my knowledge and making the most of everything available to me.

This is my newest tattoo, and was only done about two weeks ago. The initial plan was to have a bird of paradise tattooed in this gap, however there was insufficient space. The bird of paradise would have symbolised freedom, reminding me that although we all have expectations in life and regulations to comply with, we are all free and have the right to enjoy life. Instead I came up with a design of a swallow, which is said to represent love and affection towards family and friends. I strongly believe that it is my family and friends that make my life worth living, and I would do anything for either of them. I could never thank some of my friends enough for what they have done for me and for how completely amazon they are, especially my best friend Tasha who has been there for me so much, and unlike others, always has time for me. Nor could I ever completely show my appreciation for all the support my parents have shown me over the years, and for the wonderful upbringing I have had. 

So, as promised: these are all my tattoos (so far) and the meanings behind them, I hope this gives for an interesting read.

TLC Time

Unlike my usual weekends I decided to spend this weekend at home. In part due to the terrible weather, horrible winds and my lack of money. In someways I've had a rather normal dull boring weekend, but in some strange ways I haven't.

My cosy room; where I have spent most my weekend!

I wrote to my University last week lodging a complaint over my commuting to university, in particular the fact that I usually arrive at Markeaton Park & Ride well before lectures start, but because the buses do not bother to turn up half the time I find myself late to lectures, and because of university policies I have sometimes had to simply leave and go home, wasting not only my fuel but also my time. This has since been rectified however, having finally been granted a parking permit at the main campus, which is a mere 2 minute walk once arriving by car, opposed to 20 minutes through muddy and windy conditions when parking at Markeaton Park.  Unfortunately I've discovered certain issues from this however that I was hoping wouldn't return.

I have found myself often uncomfortable and anxious with being at university recently, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to relax when there are masses of people around me, most of which I don't know on a personal level. I've have also find myself panicking a lot when something goes wrong, such as when the buses didn't turn up or having forgotten materials such as module handbooks, etc. It has been so bad on occasions that my breathing has got to the point of being heavy and I have had to sit down and rest for a while before feeling like I can continue doing what I was doing. I'm rather worried over this, and I'm going to make an appointment with a GP for peace of mind. I just find it so difficult to talk about this in person with anybody other than my closest friends, which always make it a difficult and frightening thing to do, but the fact I'm now willing to talk and get advice must surely be positive.

Drinking the vile drink!

I was also nominated to do the neck nomination challenge, which is stupid but I did it for the fun of it. Mine was simple and not harmful with just involving one alcoholic drink and a few other ingredients, NO DAIRY and NOTHING NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. I have seen multiple videos like this, and it baffles me how stupid people seem to be, examples have included people drinking battery acid, bleach, urine, and other things that aren't fit for human consumption... If anyone is ever nominated for this and decided they are going to go through with it I would seriously urge you to consider what you include in your mix; mixing many different spirits, household cleaning products, and items such as that should NEVER be considered. On that note however I had a laugh with mine, mainly because the drink was putrid and disgusting, but in a strange way no different to some food I have eaten.

Today I have had a rather short day, finding myself too tired to get up for a majority of the day, likely due to the fact I had a drink last night and didn't go to bed until 4AM, so my fault entirely! In the short space of time I've been awake however I have wrote an email for legal advice regarding proceedings for compensation that my family has been considering for years, but I will write more about that at another time. On the face of things however we are now realising just how much our lives have been changed due to misdiagnosis over the life threatening heart problem my father suffered back in 2012, which required immediate surgical intervention and has left him requiring warfarin daily to survive.

On a more positive note, I am very pleased to hear that our household has Sky TV once again! My parents left Sky last year after becoming annoyed with the monthly costs for the services, and despite my objection we removed our Sky subscription back around September.  Apparently this morning we had received a call from BSkyB offering us a 12 month contract including all of Sky's HD stations, as well as Sky 3D and full access to TV Box Sets and extensive On Demand services for just £8! Previously we did not receive all of these features and were paying out around £30 per month, so we are very happy with this and having the freedom to access a lot more stations again.

Hoping everyone has had a wonderful weekend, and I'll finish this post on something that's on my mind right now. Remember that life is a roller-coaster; full of ups and downs, but it is down to us to make the most of the ups, and to get ourselves back on our feet when we get knocked down.

Careers & Expectations

It's so hard being young at times, most young people don't know what they want and yet the world expects you to know, sort and plan everything at a young age and by the time you're old enough to realise it's sometimes too late to do the things you want to do in life. 

I was never really that good at school, I didn't put effort in to all my work because I didn't realise it was at all that important, same with college. I knew I wanted to continue on and get a degree one day, but I just didn't think anything I was doing at the time was that much of a concern. 

I'm so lucky to have gotten on to my law degree, because initially I was rejected from the LLB, and it was only through arguing my case and asking for a chance to prove myself two years ago that I managed to get accepted at University of Derby's Law School. 

Honestly though, I always wanted to work in medicine and pursue a career as a doctor and also be a medical activist to help people who are failed by the system, as I and my family have been on multiple occasions. I've always wanted to help people, and being in the medical career I would've tried to make a difference to medical care in this country and the treatment available. It saddens me that currently I can go to a GP and talk about issues and they still don't seem to be all that sympathetic or understanding of my mental health, etc. and yet I can talk to friends and family and they are a lot more understanding but unfortunately unable to offer any medical support. It's also annoying how some GPs and medical professionals don't even seem remotely bothered and dismiss certain things that you know are a problem but they just bring it down to something stupid like "oh, it's probably just you feeling down, it's a non-issue!" or "you're overthinking, there's nothing wrong with you. You'll be fine soon enough!" just for something to happen not long after that which proves to them that there was. I have a history of depression and yet some doctors still say to me not to worry, when I'm not stupid and know if there's certain feelings there and concerns then they aren't just simply a 'non-issue'.

My dad has also been subject to this, having been going to the doctors for years complaining about heart problems simply to be told "it's reflux, take these tablets" and having to be rushed to hospital back in December 2012 for heart failure and having almost died. The doctors at the heart hospital then informed us that this had been an issue for a very long time and it should have been picked up earlier, and they see no reason why it wasn't noticed sooner apart from medical negligence and the failure to properly diagnose. 

I am not saying that the NHS or doctors don't do a great job, as obviously those who treated him were brilliant, and the mental health unit who helped me with my treatment and cared for me when I was at my worst were so understanding and lovely, but it really does get to me how poor some medical professionals really are. I don't understand why it happens, I would love to have been able to be in that position; get my science A Levels, do my medicine degree for all those years, get registered. I don't understand why some have worked so hard and then seemingly given up the passionate and caring approach they should have? 

Don't get me wrong, I love law and I love studying to become a lawyer, and I just hope I can make the world a better place throughout my career, but I just regret at times not working hard when I was younger to be better at sciences and actually put the effort and believe in myself when it came to doing it.  On that note however I am determined to complete my degree to the best of my ability, and I shall still take an interest in medicine for many years from now, and when I have made my success and have the time and finances I will work to improve things, as I sympathise and feel so bad for those who don't get the recognition and have access to the treatment they deserve. 

Since last year I have constantly focused on bettering myself and the world we live in, and I hope that when my time is done I have made my mark on the world and made a positive difference in some way. Currently I do that through my acts of kindness, I sympathise with everyone, and always want and see the best in people. Sometimes this has a negative effect on me, but this is the person I am and I won't change that, ever. I like to think that my existence here and my nature does make people happy and brightens up everyone who I come into contact with.